When Living In-Between

Jan 28, 2025

Beloved ~     

          Until the test came back negative for both strains, the urgent care doctor was confident I had the flu.  Then she peered down my throat with her pointy flashlight and said, “Uh, oh.”  I haven’t had strep throat since my tonsillectomy twenty-plus years ago but it’s as awful as I remember.  Popsicles and jello, ramen chicken noodles and advil.  But mostly I just slept and slept and slept, for the better part of three days.  Then I woke up and have stayed awake in the daylight since, feeling the twin miracles of cheap antibiotics and a salaried job which allows me time to heal, along with the ever present, ever pesky sense that I should get more done since I am home anyway.  
          I think if I were dying of a terminal disease, on a good day I could still feel guilty about dirty dishes in the sink, when I want not to care about dirty dishes under any condition any day!  I want to always choose the life giving, joyful task of the moment and do that with a free heart and mind.  Sometimes that’s washing dishes, leaving my kitchen all sparkly clean.  More often it's playing with my grandkids or cutting out a new quilt, knitting, reading, laughing with my friend on the phone.   But I don’t always choose those tasks, or I don’t choose them joyfully, as if I don’t deserve to be joyful unless the dishes are done and the floors are swept.  
          I could blame it on how I was raised, since I was most certainly raised to work first, play later. But I am old now, far too old to blame anyone but myself for hanging on to toxic notions I might have long ago forgone.  I’ve no such  expectation of others but rather hope they take all the time that healing takes, to rest without sleeping, lay on the couch watch sewing tutorials, even if they no longer have a fever, even if their throat is no longer on fire.  Healing has some not-as-sick-as-I-was-but-not-yet-entirely-well days and we are allowed to rest on those days too.  I do wonder if we aren’t most susceptible to relapse when we don’t, when we jump up and attack the day out of the anxiety of failing to fulfill our duty.  But here’s the thing, being sick is not a failure. ​

Being sick is not a failure!   ​

          Intellectually, I know being sick is not a failure but   practically, I still struggle, behaving as if my To-Do List is more critical than everyone else’s.  This takes a degree of arrogance I suppose and, of course, arrogance finds root in the soil of fear.  If, when learning to work, I picked up the notion that working makes me worthy of the good things in this world, this life - didn’t I naturally also learn that not working = not worthy?  If I learned that I only deserve what I earn and produce, be it money, community or reputation, what happens to me if I can no longer work, even for four or five days? When fever and pain subside enough to allow conscious thought, I get anxious, maybe even snappish to those around who only want to help.  I don’t feel well enough to work nor sick enough to stay down.  
          Unlearning toxic messaging isn’t easy, but it’s doable, for those committed to healing body, mind and spirit.  A doctor told me once that the only difference in how old people and young people heal is time. The older we are, the longer healing takes but healing does take for everyone willing to put in the time.   I pray this day finds you on mend in whatever ways you are hoping for.  ~ peace & prayers